Im Sorry

i hate to do this, but i feel like i have to. the main reason i started a blog was to get out the many thoughts that are always swirling around in my head. and for the past few weeks, and today especially, most of the thoughts in my head have been about one thing: you. i know, that sounds obbsessive, but its true. and i know that you will probably never read this, but maybe our mutual friend will. she doesnt have to tell you about it, but then she'll understand why it hurts so much. but the main reason for writing this is just to get it all out, because i have to. i have to do something.
i know that i've hurt you. upset you. broken your trust in me. but i dont know what it is that i've done. its the not knowing that is killing me. because at least if i knew what it was that i've done (and im not even going to say allegedly, because the way it is between us, it means that i've obviously done something) i would have some frame of reference to when and where this occurred and some how maybe i could rectify the situation. And then i would know if there's a chance for us to become friends again or not. either way, i just want to know.
but what i've done isnt what makes me feel so terrible. its knowing that something I did hurt you. i would never ever do anything to intentionally cause you to feel so bad. i hope that, on some level, you know that. i hate how things are between us now. i hate that your so upset that you feel like you cant even acknowledge me when we see each other. i absolutely hate being in the same building as you. my hands shake and my head hurts and i feel like i cant breathe. not because i feel so bad about what i've done to you (which i do) but because i feel terrible that the way things are now makes you feel that you cant come anywhere near me.
what i hate most of all is not talking to you. i LOVED talking to you, whether it be in person, on the phone or online. there's no way you could fully understand how much talking to you, if only for a minute, lifted my spirits. i miss how you would come in and see me and it was almost as if you knew when i needed you to make a joke or be serious or simply give me a hug. My God, i miss our hugs.
I miss you. i miss our friendship. i dont remember how or when we became such good friends, but im glad we did. i can never say Im Sorry enough times. i can never take back whatever it is that i've done, though i wish 1000 times over that i could. i will do whatever it is you want me to do to make it up to you. you dont have to forigve me, i just dont want you to be hurt and upset and mad anymore.
Most of all, i want you to know that i am truly sorry and that i mean everything ive just said, and all the things i cannot say because i cant seem to find the right words. And i want you to know that i will always cherish the great friendship we had, even if that friendship no longer exists.